The Perfection in Love and Fear
Aatika Choudry, NJ
Is it more powerful to love God or to fear Him سُبۡحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ in terms of obedience? Which is the stronger driving force, in tune with the nature of man, his fitrah? This is the quintessential argument used by educators and parents, mental health experts and scholars alike. As with most answers in our Deen that are not black and white, that somehow find a way to cater to the times and nuances of man, all while exhibiting exemplary understanding of our psyche and of how times change, it is a layered response.
How heartwarming to note that Islamic traditions and teachings, put in writing over 1400 years ago, are somehow inclusive of all types of people: from the sensitive souls to those with hard shells/the emotionally rough, from those heavy with years of wisdom to those just freshly entering their years. It all makes complete and utter sense to each one, in their own personal way, as each thinks he is being directly addressed by his Lord. They say the way to reach the heart of a man is unique to him alone, and somehow, our perfect religion, with its perfect book, finds that route.
Surprisingly, on our unique journeys we each take alone towards seeking His Pleasure, and though our paths are as different as every one of our fingerprints are, we each feel we are most dear to and have our own special connection with Him; We feel we were personally spoken to. It is from the miracles of our Deen that it can make perfect sense and appeal to every type of man, no matter the state of your heart or the condition of your life. “…This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favor upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.”1
In our religion, we know a fundamental step is to love our Creator, and to fear Him, and are often reminded of that. When instructed to follow rules, rituals, or restrictions, sometimes fear of the punishment is used as a motivating factor, and at times the hope in His Mercy.
What does it mean to love?
It is universally understood to be perhaps the most intense feeling a human can experience and is what guides behavior to a staggering degree. Triggering actions of man across time and situations, from inciting wars to joining in marriages, from coloring the underlying theme of Shakespeare’s words to the reason why one grieves a loss for the rest of his days, it is adequately labelled by renowned psychologist Dr Fredrickson as the ‘supreme emotion’. It leads to a synchronization of likes and dislikes, as you become invested in the wishes of the beloved. 2 In abridged versions, scholars such as Al-Ghazālī (رحمه الله) have explicitly delineated that to love someone is to first know them, for you cannot love something you do not know, and conversely, your love proportionately grows with your comprehension and the more you learn of them. He explains this matrix of love as foregrounded by understanding and woven into obedience.3 Once you learn of God, you will want to grasp more of what pleases and displeases Him, and in your love for Him, you will align your actions to those wishes. Thus, love is connected to knowledge and action and only is sincere and meaningful within that framework, and is one of the principles of our religion.4
Perhaps most importantly, it is a direct obligation for a believer, if one calls himself that, and incurs a punishment if one lacks this love for his Creator.5 Ibn Qayyim (رحمه الله) wrote extensively about ways to develop this through various avenues, such as learning and mentioning His 99 Names, reflecting on the Quran, and more, emphasizing how important this foundation is to our Deen.6 During our quest for knowledge we will read about how much Allah loves us, humbling any man to tears, and compelling him to reciprocate that. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Allah says: ‘Whoever takes a close friend of Mine as an enemy, I declare war on him. My slave does not draw closer to Me by anything more beloved to Me than that which I have made obligatory upon him, and My slave continues to draw closer to Me by doing nafl deeds… If he were to ask of Me, I would surely give to him…I do not hesitate about anything that I want to do as I hesitate to take the soul of a believer, for he hates death and I hate to hurt him.”7
What does it mean to fear?
The perception of fear is negative, and most men have an aversion to and are apprehensive of it. Something feared is not something one wants to be close to. Psychologically, a fearful person becomes avoidant of that which he fears, as attachment theory explains.8 Khawf of Allah is the word often used in our scripture translated as fear, but the fact that so many other words also translate to fear, but are not synonyms of each other outlines that fear is a multilayered word, and does not mean just the one attribute we give it. It is also an obligation, but how do you fear someone you love more than anything? Often, one runs away from the target of the fear, but clearly this is not the typical emotion, and the actual opposite: you intensely fear the displeasure of the One you intensely love.
The key to closeness with Allah is to use either or both of those means to draw in nearness to Him: our end goal. To further clarify these emotions being mutually inclusive and not exclusive, we are led into the discussion of two similar constructs with a comparable relationship: calamity and prosperity. Seemingly, they are opposites, with one being sought after and one avoided, but both being truths that occur in our lives. One illuminates the other, as light is more appreciated after a period of darkness. We are taught that periods of adversity and advantage are both Fitnah, and also a means of becoming closer to Him, so a blessing in the end. There is good in even that, as Allah says “…But give glad tidings to those who are patient in adversity.”9, as your attitude during the crisis or what constructive action plan you learn from it can translate to reward and drawing closer to Him. On the same note, even in the fear of Him, there is love and hope, as you only fear displeasing Him due to your love, and each intensifies the other; the more you love, the more you’ll fear not being close to Him. Again, without adequate knowledge and a spiritual connection, a misfortune will only sadden you, with no fruits to the labor nor any light at the end.
How do we reconcile the instruction: “And fear [only] Me.”10 with “…but the ˹true˺ believers love Allah even more”11? Which do we use or focus on more? The answer is both need to be felt and cultivated to be a complete spiritual being, but the arrow that will take better aim depends on your frame of mind, the shape your heart is in and level of Iman you have at that given time. It will fluctuate as does everything in life, and what shakes your heart today may not shake it tomorrow.
Abu Hurayra رضي الله عنه reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say: “Indeed, Allah wrote a book before He created the creation, saying: {My mercy prevails over My wrath}…” 12 Widely recirculated as the defining motto of Islam, often used in powerful proverbs and dynamic speeches, this strong slogan resounds with the essence of our Lord and His Attributes.
Man is nuanced in nature and needs modulated instruction. An older person sees death around the corner, and so will fear judgement far more than a bright-eyed youth seeing the sky as his limit. So although it may seem more effective for the time being to execute immediate compliance by instilling forceful fear, it will not sustain obedience. Willful consent within a positive framework leads to a long term, motivated shaping of behavior. Our entire religion is based on unseen intentions and hidden spiritual states, and the iron fist does not win hearts. Forced surrender is not success. True triumph comes when knowledge of the Creator is appropriated to wisdom, leading to intentional submission to the one you love, in every situation, hidden or public, throughout the journey of life.
https://neurolaunch.com/love-and-fear-psychology/
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